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Waiting and Doubt

I’ve never been a very good waiter, not that the person who delivers food with a smile, though I was pretty good at that. When I first got published it felt like every five seconds I was checking my phone and my email. It was worse before I was published. I sent this little manuscript out into the big bad world, I knew that I would hear a response from it but it’s like being on teether hooks. Do they like it and if they don’t how badly are they going to tell me that I suck.

Thankfully the email was a good one and it had one hell of a compliment in it. Though at the time I didn’t know that, I’d only heard of the writer that they compared me to but I hadn’t read any of her stories. Now two years down the line and it’s gotten worse. I work as a copywriter. There isn’t much money in it but it helps to develop skills that I find invaluable. It involves a lot of waiting, take the article I’m waiting on at the moment. The deadline was the 17th. I got it in on time. I’m not overly confident about it, it isn’t my best work because it was on a subject I know zilch about. That’s the thing about being a copywriter, half the stuff I have to research before I even start writing it. Anyway it’s been two days and it slowly turning into day three. The longer they leave me waiting the more certain I am that they’re going to reject it. It’s happened two times before. It doesn’t seem to matter to me much that at least twenty articles before that have been accepted. I’ve made a habit of dwelling on the negative.

It’s a horrible habit but one I’ve never been able to break.

It’s the same with stories, it’s like I’m searching for validation. Which is silly, I’m a good writer, I know how to tell a story but those days when writer’s block has me firmly in it’s grip? Damn I get depressed, I say thinks like ‘I’ll never write again’. I say things like that because it is easier to just get the negative out, then let it gather dust in my mind. My head is pretty crowded I don’t have space for doubt.

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